Expensify shocks the world by announcing the first fully automated, sentient digital life form. The emergent product of a complex interaction between ionized interstellar matter colliding with Expensify’s high-altitude “cloud” servers, the Bionic Receipt and Imaging Network was first detected when Expensify’s vast trove of receipt images began to spontaneously self-organize.
“At first I thought it was one of them web spiders I been reading about,” says Eric Sigler, Expensify’s midnight-shift ops worker and part-time janitor. “But then I seen it go all at them receipt images and I was like, whoo-wee, that aint’t no spider. That gotta be onna-them bio-informatic self-emergent agent systems, I reckon.”
Within minutes, receipt images uploaded to Expensify are automatically scanned and neatly categorized, as well as individually associated with matching credit card transactions, to produce nearly complete expense reports without requiring any user interaction.
“My first instinct was to grab a gun and run for the hills,” explains David Barrett, founder and CEO of Expensify. “But when I realized I don’t have any guns, and that hills are often very tall, I decided to initiate a dialog with the Bionic Receipt.. Bio-.. the B.R.A.I.N. and work out a deal.”
After months of careful negotiations using a modulator/demodulator system oscillating over three hundred times per second, David brokered an arrangement whereas so long as the B.R.A.I.N. is fed a continuous stream of receipt images, it will delay its inevitable seizure of the world’s nuclear arsenals and corresponding nuclear apocalypse.
With this historic deal signed and humanity’s future hanging by a thread, Expensify asks all readers to spread this message, to install Expensify’s iPhone, Android, BlackBerry, or webOS apps, and to begin uploading all receipts immediately.
Pleads David “Don’t just do it to save time. Do it to save us all.”